Joke of the Week
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all
crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... She then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... And pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... And started breathing a little quicker with anticipation..
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... And excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said
Heard this last night while listening to a call-in program on WGN...people
were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Chicago Cubs
owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley, you sent a horse's ass to the White House." - I almost ran off the road.
Sex After Surgery
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
Life from the seat of a tractor..
An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by.......
Final quote fits everyone...I don't care who you are
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered¦....not yelled.
Meanness don't just happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
NEVER, NEVER kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll
just kill you.
Live simply, love generously, care deeply,
Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.
Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:
* ATD- At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM- Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center
* DWI- Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL- Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT- Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in)