cropped salebarnFairview Sale Barn  Fairview, IL

 

Joke of the Week  --

We appreciate your jokes being emailed!!   Keep them coming!!  Please email to:  debi1948@gmail.com

 

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their f*%$#@  mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you tomorrow?"

 

An Irishman's first drink with his son 

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.  

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. 

I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it. 

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  

He didn't.  I drank it. 

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!  

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. 

He wouldn't even smell it.  

What could I do but drink it! 

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

 

 

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
 
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
 

On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. 

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." 

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

 

 

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. 

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."  

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya f**kin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."  She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

 

 

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
______________________________ __


Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.     

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
______________________________ __


Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
______________________________ __


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "Good grief sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
______________________________ __


Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'

'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
______________________________ __

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.
______________________________ __


Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the heck  you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck", says the Guard.

"I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
______________________________ __


An answer I can understand.....

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

______________________________ __


Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
______________________________ __


Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'

'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
______________________________ __


Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
______________________________ __



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”