Joke of the Week

We appreciate the jokes and/or funny stories.  Please keep them coming:  debi1948@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

 

An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.
He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.
They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.
“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”
“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food and bulbs stocked.”
“Ah, yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters, and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”
“And that is?” the young man asked.
“Just turn off the lantern.”

 

A man wakes up one morning and farts. It sounds like “Honda!”
This puzzles him, so he does it again. “Honda!”
He makes an appointment with his doctor to get that checked out. When he demonstrates for the doctor (Honda!), the doctor says, “Don’t worry; I’ve seen this before. Go down the hall, three doors to the left, and see the dentist.”
“Dentist!” says the man. “This has nothing to do with my teeth!”
The doctor says, ” Trust me; I’ve seen this before.” So the man goes down the hall and demonstrates for the dentist: (Honda!)
The dentist says that he’s seen this before and asks him to sit in the chair. He pulls a rotten tooth and shows it to the man. “Look, this tooth was rotten.” The man farts again and it sounds perfectly normal!
He says, “This is insane. How do you explain this?”
The dentist looks him straight in the eye and tells him, “Abscess makes the fart go Honda.”

 

The blind man went to buy a beer and when it was time to pay he asked how much it cost. The saleswoman said, “It is $5”. So he took out a $5 and a $50 bill and asked which one was the $5 bill. The saleswoman, wanting to rob him, touched the hand with the $50 bill. So he held out his hand with the $5 and said, “I’m going to buy 10 beers then.”

 

What happens when Battery and Fireworks get arrested on the Fourth of July?
One gets charged while the other is lit off.

 

A Spanish magician tells his audience that he will disappear on the count of three.
He says uno, dos, and * poof * disappears without a tres.

 

The grocery store boy asked me, “Paper or plastic?”
I told him I didn’t care and to choose for me.
He said he couldn’t do that… Baggers can’t be choosers.

 

Little Johnny took a child to the barber shop.
He got his own hair cut, then told the barber, “You cut the kid’s hair — I’m just going to buy some vegetables.”
The barber gave the child a haircut, but Little Johnny never came back.
After a long wait, the barber asked the kid, “Where did your older brother go?”
The child replied, “He wasn’t my older brother.”
Barber asked, “Then who was he?”
The Child replied, “I don’t know. I was just playing in the street when he came and said,
‘Come, I’ll get you a free haircut.’”

 

Teacher: “If you have one dollar and you ask your dad for another dollar, how many dollars do you have?”
Billy: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “I’m sorry, Billy, it seems you don’t know your math.”
Billy: “I’m sorry, Miss, it seems you don’t know my dad.”

A man was sitting at the bar, looking dejectedly into his bottle of beer.
“You look pretty down,” said the guy on the next stool. “Wanna talk about it?”
“I dunno,” sighed the first man. “It’s just that this time last year I had a fantastic job. I was making big money.”
“So?”
“Well, that was the problem. People started noticing the bills were five millimetres too big!”

 

The CEO of IKEA has become the Prime Minister of Sweden.
He is currently assembling his cabinet.

 

 

 

 

 

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