Fairview Sale Barn Fairview, IL
We appreciate the jokes and/or funny stories. Please keep them coming: debi1948@gmail.com
A story like this emphasizes why God enables us to lighten up when we ask for His help! I eventually learned to do just that, and it only took me a hundred thousand or so missed opportunities! To quote John Wayne: “Life is tough, but it’s a whole lot tougher if you’re stupid.”
How men and women record things in their diaries.....
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on
it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not
to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem
distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was
distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep.
I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so
he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding
salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how
much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we
get too much of it, we wear rubber shoes.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.
A woman,
completely fed up with her husbands internet browsing obsession
finally takes matter into her own hands.
One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the
bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a pair of sexy lingerie
and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She leans
forward and whispers, “Time for super sex.”
He ignores her. So, she starts saying it louder and eventually
yells, “Super Sex” “Super Sex” “Super Sex”.
Finally, he replies, “Ok, I’ll take the soup.”
A passenger
train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A
passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.
“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up
with the cow again?”
An old
country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so really far out and there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring
mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to
hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman
deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the
bottom to get him to take his first breath.
“Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!” the 5 yr. old said. “He
shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”
A man walks
into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you
here unless you are wearing a tie.”
The man says, “Okay, I’ll be right back,” and goes to his car to
find anything he can use for a tie.
All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his
neck, goes back in and asks, “How’s this?”
The bartender replies, “Well, okay, but don’t start anything.”
An Australian
travel writer at the beginning of a 6-month tour of Canada was
checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said
to the manager, “By the way, what’s with the Indian chief sitting in
the lobby? He’s been there ever since I arrived.”
“Oh that’s Big Chief Forget-me Not.” said the manager. “The hotel is
built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to
allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life.
He is known as ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’because of his phenomenal
memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life.”
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab
decided to put the chief’s memory to the test.
“G’day, mate!” said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in
return. “What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?”
“Eggs,” was the chief’s instant reply, without even looking up, and
indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing
itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others
of Big Chief Forget-me Not’s great memory.
One local noted to him that “How” was a more appropriate greeting
for an Indian chief than “G’day mate.” So, on his return to the
Vancouver Hilton six months later, the Aussie approached ‘Big Chief
Forget-me Not’ still sitting in the lobby.
“How” said the Aussie to the Chief, who again did not stop to look
up and just replied, “Scram
Little Johnny
runs to his mom yelling, “Mommy, Mommy. I was at the playground and
I saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in Daddy’s car go into the woods.”
Johnny’s mom intrigued, asks him to continue with the story.
The boy goes on, “I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the
seat, then Daddy…”
At this point Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is
such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for
suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it
tonight.”
At the dinner table, mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods,
the undressing, laying down on the seat and “… then Daddy and Aunt
Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy
was in the Navy.”
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you
will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.
I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I
took orders from no one.