Fairview Sale Barn Fairview, IL
We appreciate the jokes and/or funny stories. Please keep them coming: debi1948@gmail.com
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset and she told him: “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!!!”
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put
on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale with a
note from Bob: “Happy Anniversary, Darling! I hope it’s the model
you wished for.”
The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more
strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip
into Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate:”What was your annual salary, and
what was your profession? “I made $150,000 as an Attorney” comes the
reply. “You may enter” says the Angel.
Second candidate, same question. “I made $95,000, I was a realtor.”
He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man’s turn.
“My annual salary was $8,000.” “Cool!” replies the Angel, “and what
instrument did you play?”
A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy
bar after another, when an older man walked up and said, “You
shouldn’t be eating so much candy, it’ll rot your teeth, it’s just
bad for you to eat so much candy.”
The little boy looked up and said, “My grandfather lived to be 95
years old”.
The older man asked: “Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?”
The little boy said: “No, by minding his own business.”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the University of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red convertible?”
The engineer sits up and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
“Hello?”
“Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an
Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did
it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But
I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to
clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving
either.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”
Nervous, the kid asks, “How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18”, says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly. When they get to the
front gates of the school, the kid says, “Dad, you will remember to
come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”
A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as
fast as he can.
The bartender asks, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”
The guy says, ” you would be drinking fast too, if you had what I
have.”
“What do you have,” asks the bartender.
The guy answers, “75 cents.”
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you, Grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of
you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it.
I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off
to question the nurse in charge. “What are you people doing?!” he
says, “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily
basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him
a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully
well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him
from rolling out of bed.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one
year”, said the shrink.
“Come talk to Me three times a week,
and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit”, replied
the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on
the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you
were having?”, he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three
times a week for a year, is $12,480. A bartender cured me for
$10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and
bought me a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?”, and, with a bit of an
attitude, the doctor said, “and just how, may I ask, did a bartender
cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the
bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get
an award for the shortest story ever.
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense
against stupidity.”
“If you wrote down every single thought
you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.